I wrote up a quick review of EACH story, because as a writer I know how interesting feedback is.
Rookie Category Note: I will be less then kind with several of these stories and tell their authors
to write a CYOA anyways, and that's because short stories are
fucking hard. They truly are one of the hardest kinds of fiction to write. CYOAs are much easier. So just because somebody didn't tie together a short story well doesn't mean they don't have the proficiency and creativity to make an excellent CYOA.
1.
Family Ties This writer had a good concept, and demonstrates competent writing; that is, they can put sentences together with words in a good and readable way; technical proficiency. They should consider doing a small CYOA for fun. The mian problem was melodrama:
"When you reach for emotions the story has not earned, we call it "sentimental" or "melodramatic." -- Orson Scott Card
Pulling off a scene like that - in a vacuum, with no build-up - is incredibly hard and requires a lot of subtlety. When I first started writing I would get people telling me the same thing; "so shit happens to this guy, why should I care?" and in frustration I replied "What, should I give him a cute pony who's got terminal Equine epizoodic?" To make readers CARE about a character, you must make them INVEST in that character. Show sides of the character readers will sympathize with - Alice's devotion to her life-long goal would be the example in this story. To improve it, personally I would've spent more time on that point; and connecting it to Alice's basic desires (if she doesn't fufill her life dream, what is she? A failure that spent her whole life chasing a fool's errand.) Readers can sympathise with that.
2.
Being Meiling A really nice character study which really gets into the characters shoes quite well. I also liked the "voice" that comes through - well done. Especially in voicing the characters simplest, most honest insecurities, ones all people have. Esp. in the context of THP, where Meiling always gets passed over even in the CYOAs she's actually in.
>Aren't I pretty enough? Ouch.
3.
Time And Time Again Another character study, but in conversation format with the reader, who can't really reply. I've always found this kind of writing to be awkward as hell, and I can't recall any of the classic masters who've used the format and thought it good enough to show people (feel free to enlighten me if you know of some.) And if you
do use that format, for the love of God don't have the character repeating the questions. Not even once. At that point, you may as well have written a simple conversation with two different characters. If you want to go this route don't be afraid to trust the reader to think past a little subtlety; you're writing fiction, not news or PR that has to be understandable by even the thickest dullard around.
You picked a good subject, though; how Sakuya herself would view something like time, a basic and dominant influence on our lives. Her entire perspective would be different then that of a "normal" human, and would go a long way towards making her so mysterious and strange - not because SHE is, but because she's literally living in a different world then we are.
4. u[]Another Day's Work[/u]
A nice and thoughtful slice-of-life piece exploring interactions/relationships between two characters. This shows a mark of writing maturity in that the writer understands that something as simple as "eating dinner" or "average day at work" can be interesting to write about, someting a lot of young writers miss (I, personally, did not consider it interesting unless shit was A. blowing up or B. about to blow up. I was into Michael Bay before it was uncool.) The problems with this story? Too descriptive, too 'thick' with prose; you get lost wandering around in it. Run-on sentences everywhere, too (I still fight that.) Not everything needs an adjective. Search for ways to condense sentences; this way you get to use more adjectives in the same space, making it more descriptive without making it longer and more dreary to read. Hunt down those bothersome connecting words and shuffle around the sentence to eliminate as many as possible, it helps a lot. The long internal monolouge by Nazarin about making her troops do exercises, then switching to Shou, who sees what Nazarin claims to be doing, but has her own opinion on what she's really doing, is good - especially if Nazarin believes her own guff about not being helpful. The way people lie to themselves is important in human interaction; this shows some appreciation of the subtletlies of people/character dynamics.
tl;dr write a CYOA already.
5.
Scuffle in the Bamboo Forest Good concept, technical writing skill is sufficient, if a little sub-par. The dialogue, however, made me want to punch myself in the face. It was stilted as hell; I thought I was reading Mortal Kombat's script for a minute.
>YOU WILL DIE >NO.... UH.... *YOU* WILL DIE. Technical skill in describing fight/action scenes lacking, but the dialouge really kills it. There's a little, but not much hinting at the two actually looking forward to their fights because of anything else then blinding and soul-consuming hatered, but that was the whole point of the story. To be fair, it'd be very difficult to pull off.
6.
Imperfect Origins Now this is a mature story with good characters - they have their own personality, quirks, motivations, pride, etc. You even did well with a non-human character, which is always quite difficult to make believable. Technical skill is merely sufficient, however, you'll need to shake things like that first line:
The bell on the shop's door chimed softly as a woman entered a shop, her tall form clad in red robes followed by a shorter blonde girl. Her robes are followed by a shorter blonde girl, or she is? It reads quite awkwardly. Ideally it should be "The shop's door chimed softly as a tall woman clad in red robes strode through, followed by a shorter blonde." You can omit the bell as implied, or include it specifically if its conveying a certain atmosphere for you (old-timey, dusty shop with wood counters, yet filled with ROBOTIC CREATIONS. That's the way I pictured it.)
Despite awkward word/sentence construction all throughout this piece really "came alive" with the characters in it. You should write a CYOA, or something.
7.
White Lotus in the Dark Ocean This story is simply excellent. For starters, the technical skill is great - descriptive and illuminating without being too wordy or run-on-ish, striking a balance on the "spare to purple prose" spectrum that should make just about any reader satisfied, I think. The time spent building up the violent and dangerous sea, with the graves of many sailors and ships scattered about, go a long way towards building up the tension in this piece. And it's impressive that you can build tension at all given that
we all freakin know the ghost she's chatting up is the bloody villain from the get-go, because Touhou. And I just like your turns of phrase, they're fine. Like this:
"You see, wanderer, I have seen many things, for I have been where bell or diver never went." "Bell or diver." Quite good. The ending was fine, too - it's Byakuren's big moment, having successfully given so few fucks about
drowning that she defied death (okay, that's not exactly how Bhuddism works, I guess, but that's as close as I can get in describing it.) And since the characters were talking with elevated diction throughout, not like Cletus McGee and Bumfiddly Dumbsticks, I had no problem with the closing dialogue; it's proper drama, because it was earned. This is the best "short story" in the piece and the writer that demonstrates the most consistent level of mastery across all categories of skill, so I have to vote for this one, yeehaw.
8.
Shadow of Secession: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zane_Grey Meet your new God. If you would write Westerns, worship at his shrine, grasshopper, until you are ready to venture forth. You'll learn descriptive language from him, all right, though you needn't emulate him perfectly (Zane is on the Hawthorne end of the sparse/purple prose spectrum, which is not everyone's cup of tea.)
Veteran Category I'm talking to my peers here, so I'll be more jocular, omit the techical skill thing (yes, you can put werds in rowz) and limit myself to the broad impression and any details that jumped out at me.
1.
Rouzanken For starters, just dropping "clang" in there never works well for me - italicize and use an exclamation point, at least. And even then that's relying on typography, not prose, which has its weaknesses as well, but in this situation - where the clang-ing is almost punctuation for Youmu's focus - I think it'd work well.
When you use language like "leaped from her" go ahead and make it a brief metaphor, like "The question leapt before she could catch it." Succinct and descriptive. But that's just me.
> "I always told him he wouldn't die even if we killed him." durrhuhehue
Overall a solid showing with good dialogue, concept, writing, characters, and a good framing device; with Youmu opening and closing at sword-making. I consider it a character study of sorts, like "Being Meiling," since it doesn't work well as a short-story (Youmu has a problem, Yukari talks, Yukari fixes everything might be a story arc, but without the conflict.)
2.
Death fears not God or Fire I was about to ask you what the fuck you were smoking, but then I decided to try this "maturity" thing for five seconds and then I appreciated what you were trying to do: show a burned-out, gives-no-shits Komachi. And what you mostly succeeded at, in all the specifics. The whole piece rambles a little
too much and has a pissweak closing, which is what killed it. Frankly I think you should re-write it and attack the potential; it's actually fairly well-organized till the end. Omitting the hamhanded fourth-wall breaking would make this "okay." Re-doing it with the fourth-wall breaking worked in better, from the start..."Could make this exceed "good." It's tough to use it right, though, you have to include it quite early, and not make a big point of it, just drop it in there so it becomes layered atop all the other reasons Komachi is so burned-out and distant. It
should be a jarring thing, and
is to the reader, but for Komachi it's just one more turd on the shit-pie of her existence, and the dissonance of her indifference compared to the reader's reaction can really bring out her burnt-out state.
3.
A Meiling Homecoming Story >CHINESE HAVE RED HAIR? DISHONORABURR El-oh-el. This is a character study just like "Being Meiling," just funnier. Funny as hell, actually. The characters come alive, it seems to be rolling along like this darling comedic "homecoming to the eccentric parents" story and then the shit impacts the fan at Mach 2. And in retrospect, given Meiling's situation, there is just no other way that could have ended, is there? I depressing in your comedy so you can cry while you laugh.
Dawg.
4.
Tsukumogami This one has the most consistent reviews so far, I think everyone's covered it pretty well - lacked only for more characterization of OCs, pacing/concept was good, etc.
5.
Youkai of Darkness A character study, with the framing device being - whatsherface raping Aya, I guess. Solid, for sure, just uninspiring.
6.
Nice Boat This was doomed to not get a vote from me for purely subjective reasons; the "first-person POV ramble" was never my favorite, at all... and despite that I can still say it's one of the best ones I've read. It understands that momentum in this kind of thing is important, and banter has to be short, and the punctuation/line spacing/formatting handled well to make it visually "punchy."
I liek u
7.
Birth of Gensokyo This is a very short and compact piece, which I like. There wasn't enough substance to it, I'd say: not enough hint of the emotional investment Yukari had in the whole thing - but the basic idea and layout and execution is pretty good. Not many writers focus on very compact, powerful things like that, I'm glad you did it.
8.
Layla This one was quite interesting. The poltergeist sisters were all characterized according to canon, and the premise of the piece is quite good too. This is some impressive work. For starters, your command of descriptive language is some of the best I've seen on THP, in describing the performance of the poltergeists; you really evoke an image well, but without getting TOO flowery and purple-y, which is not easy. Quite like your command of imagery, there. Also, the framing device of the story - cutting from present to past - is well executed, showing the same argument in the present mirroring similar ones in the past.
The only real criticism I have to level is your dialogue in this one drove me fucking nuts; upon my first read-through the banter between the sisters ended up sounding so pendandic and similar that I was badly tempted to skip over it, and in truth I
did hasten over many of those lines. In fact, when Lalya burst upon the scene to tell them to shut the fuck up, I heartily concurred with her. This sapped the otherwise excellent conclusion of a little bit of strength; it was easier to believe that Layla DID hate the bastards, because I was getting to that point as well.
Upon a second read-through, perhaps being annoyed by the sisters is your
intent, since it leads the reader to emphasize with Layla quite effectively, as I learned. But somehow I doubt your intent was to deliberately bore and irritate the reader; that's usually an advanced technique used by snobby Russian writers who hate proles. If you wanted to capture the constant sniping banter between the sisters, it had to be shorter and punchier; more concise, more swift. Dialogue in writing is nothing like dialogue in real life, real life dialogue sucks anyhow.
Though I admit laughed at this line:
Those peasants wouldn't know good music if it knocked their house down; we reimbursed the owner of that place anyway! Would've been even stronger without the follow-up ?that hole," bit; it's funnier if it's just implied. The rest smacks too strongly of ?information they already know but are repeating for the reader." That split-second of ?what..? ah, HA-HA!" makes it funnier. You don' t have to write for a VERY low denominator, after all.
So basically my only gripe is a single matter of technical skills - work on dialogue. Your ability to lay out a story (especially with the 'flashback' framing device, which was appropriate and well-used here,) and command of imagery are well above par IMO, so you're doing good.
9.
An Evening in the Toyosatomimi Household I was quite surprised this didn't get more votes, and honestly I suspect it only got edged out because other entries were well-written and had more ?novel? concepts. I really liked your Komachi, esp. the ?extra vacation days? thing. I like writers who think every character deserves their chance - even the sullen Tsukumogami pump - and work to give them a little depth with even the briefest of brushes. That was a nice detail about Miko's earmuffs - the superficial display of her deeper reasons for loving that man - and this line, especially:
Dinner doesn't get eaten until morning, the suds coagulate overnight, her underwear is ruined after swimming in bathwater that long, you left Komachi stuck in your closet, and you're still nowhere near overcoming your desire. His responsible side listing all the reasons this night was a disaster; but his real feelings being displayed through action. Especially from the first-person point of view, this is good, because this is exactly how we all talk to ourselves. We say ?I'll update tomorrow? and then we end up playing a game till 3:00 AM. Or looking at porn, like real men do. Or, if you're someone who totally isn't me, saving cute Hatsune Miko pictures off Danbooru for three hours straight.
10.
Everbloom This has many of the elements of a fable, or myth. There's not much characterization being done, rather, most of the story is just background build-up so the little boy's sorrow and bitterness can be 'real' to the reader, so Yuuka's message, her gift (the ?aesop? of the fable) can have some impact. Here's another story that earns the emotions it reaches for, which is not easy - considering it's reaching for that most horrible of realizations, the impermanence of all life. I think the mechanism used to tell the tale made it so effective - even though I knew the titular ?Everbloom? would probably die, you stretched out the tale of its last brutal winter well enough, with enough tension, to keep me reading just in case it
didn't. The dogged persistence of the Everbloom, as well, its very, very long struggle and survival, given its due screentime, really helped make the conclusion poignant, instead of just ?these flowers will die in fall how sad." The idea of a struggle between winter and summer, between life and death, was well-built up, esp. with that detail of the ?special snowflakes? left by Winter, seemingly acknowledging its worthy foe. Some good extended metaphors in that, the kind you see in the best epics of old.
At first reading I was not as impressed by your ?technical? writing skill, but those skills can be learned. Storytelling like this is a bit harder. Good job mang.
11.
I Want To Get Off Ms Kaku's Wild Ride I voted for this one. The description, the imagery is good, but what really puts it over is the viewpoint character's mental disjointedness, "frustration at a jigsaw puzzle you're no longer intelligent enough to piece together." And things like:
My memory dredged up the names ?Hakugyokurou? and ?Sanzu?. Those were what were supposed to await me, surely? Evidently not. That really drives it home; even the
afterlife has been stolen from this person. But knowing you've lost something important, but not knowing
what is even worse. Until you
do remember, and that
is actually worse.
I could feel Seiga's clutch around my mind and at that moment, I knew that it was over. I would be trapped forever. Jesus Christ, man. This is some ?I have no mouth and I must scream? shit right here. Other stories in this contest were better in this or that technical aspect, stirred this or that emotion, but yours? Yours went right for the balls, you sick fuck. My mother read me Edgar Allen Poe when I was young; I was five years old and here she is shouting ?BEHOLD THE BEATING OF HIS HIDEOUS HEAAAAARRRRT!" I'm inured to this stuff. And yet you still freaked me out. Color me impressed.
12.
Impatience This is some nice work, back to the ?compact, concise? story, but you really nail the art of saying a lot in a short space, using all the tools available to you. Lines like:
...and every single night striking harder at my slowly expanding awareness. and being not just where I am but also next to where I am You say a
lot in a short space with these lines. Personally I'm wary of using formatting for emphasis, since there's a temptation to let the formatting (bold, italics) convey the emphasis rather then using it as a grace-note for the emphasis in the writing, but you're not guilty of this - even if you did omit it, that pivotal line:
and I will wrap my mighty new hands around her miserable throat and SQUEEZE - would still be as powerful. The long, long run-up sentence works splendidly for that, conveying a velocity, nay a
momentum to the emotions behind the words. And the pause afterword, so very well conveyed with the single ?but? on its own separate line, helps contrast that momentum. Gives the image of a Kosaga getting spun up with rage, carried away despite herself. That's very good. Another story that only just missed out on votes, I think, because there were so many good entries.
13.
Chrysanthemum Essentia This story kind of wandered without much of a point, but that impression is largely from problems in the prose itself. These sentences are simply not put together very well.
I sat in the soft grass of a field of sunflowers. I stared with curiosity at the overcompassing light grey clouds slowly crossing the sky. My green hair swayed in the breeze as the ribbon tied to my hair under my chin fluttered slightly. >I >I >My To make your writing sound varied and dynamic, don't start every sentence similarly like that. Writing the second sentence like ?The overcompassing light-grey clouds drifting across the sky drew my curiosity." That also spares you having to constantly write pedantic descriptions of where she's looking, for example, since it's implicit. Also, concise writing. For example, this:
Soon, the drizzle increased in volume into a downpour while the clouds turned a darker shade by the minute. Awkward, hard-to-read, the reader is wading through verbiage in their head. Lets cut that baby down a bit: ?Soon the drizzle was a downpour, the clouds darkening rapidly.? ?Increased in volume? is a very dry and boring way to say what's already implied by the drizzle becoming a downpour, and personally, I'm always looking for ways to eliminate that ?was a? in the middle, to be even more concise. Not to say you have to write as sparsely as a newspaper editor or a Spartan, when you cut out needless words it leaves you more room to cram adjectives or whatever in there before you hit the ?too wordy? limit.
I told her, "My name," with a short pause, "is Kagiyama Hina. Can you tell me your name?" Let punctuation and line breaks do that for you. They convey pacing without needing words, and they do it very well (see my comments above on ?Impatience.?) In fact, just breaking up the speech by putting the preface in the middle of the spoken sentence implies a pause in the readers mind, since their reading of the spoken line is literally paused by the preface:
?My name," I told her quietly, "is Kagiyama Hina. Could you tell me yours?" However I notice your writing in introspective paragraphs, without dialogue or descriptions of character's actions doesn't suffer these problems, and your vocabulary is certainly complete enough - you're obviously a reader, perhaps just not a reader of tons of fiction. My best advice for learning the ins and outs of sentence arrangement for effectiveness is to just
read fiction, tons of it; you'll learn a lot through immersion.
