=== The part with votes === [x]
>>/shorts/1771 -- A Tsukumogami's Tale
[x]
>>/shorts/1763 -- 20 GOTO 10
[x]
>>/at/36022 -- The Heat's Getting To Me
I feel I should mention up front that if 20 GOTO 10 had not existed, I would have gone with Of Flower and Stone, Fires, or Gateway Beneath The Moon. >>13496 >I miss you, author of Black Lotus That needs a continuation
so bad.
This year's contest was brought to you by the letters /k/, Ei, En, Tei; the number 8 and the number
tweeeest; the Touhou's Television Workshop, and readers like
you.
=== The part where I love the sound of my own voice write lots of words === ---- [The New and Weak] ----
>A Heartfelt Effort -- >>/shorts/1764 There's something just slightly off about this story, and I find it frustrating that I can't pick out what it is, exactly. Maybe it went on a bit too long, or it just got
too Horrible Day Gone Wrong-ish, I don't know.
It would help if I could pin down exactly what it was, because there's a whole lot that's
good about this story: The characters are good, the idea behind it is pretty interesting, the actual quality of writing is very good, and the way the story is told is very nicely done.
I'm sorry I can't give you my vote for this story... but I would still be very happy to see you writing more on the site. The title describes this story on more levels than one. Good work.
>Chatter -- >>/shorts/1765 I've been in love with the PC-98 era Touhous ever since I found out about them, and these two are some of the more obscure ones. You should feel good about having done this thing. The story was very slice-of-life, and the writing was very relaxed (which is sort of necessary for that). Got kind of maybe-dark at the end, but not in a bad way—that's how a youkai youkais, and you shouldn't expect anything different when that's the life you're treated to a slice of.
This felt very much like a PC-98 version of the original "Being Meiling" short, now that I think of it. Maybe a little less moping and a little more character-introduce-y. I would love to see this get turned into or be the basis for a full-sized story. Orange and Kurumi, just youk'in it up.
Minor addition: the "Laranja" thing threw me off a tiny bit. Is that Portuguese? From what I can remember, the word for "orange" in Spanish is "naranja", and Portuguese words tend to look like a messy slop of Spanish, so I was sort of curious what was going on there.
>A Tsukumogami's Tale -- >>/shorts/1771 I was split between this voting for this one and Chatter (
>>/shorts/1765), honestly. In the end, it was the narration and the way this story was told that did it for me. I especially liked the fact that it's never explicitly revealed who the narrator was, although the image used and the filename make their identity fairly clear (I didn't actually read the filename until I'd finished it). I very much liked that "The clues are given in context, now figure it out" approach (which was also used in another story or two, this year), and if you had used a less-spoilery filename, it would have been perfect.
As for the content of the story, I do appreciate seeing Reimu
suffer being more honest, more human... More
genuine, I suppose. Like several other characters in Touhou, it's easy to work with just the surface traits and not dig too deep into who they are and what they're feeling. The tsukumogami's viewpoint was a very interesting one to tell a story from, and it's what really makes the story work. The notion of "hunger" and "being fed" was an excellent idea, and helped add the right touch.
This story was good and you should feel good.
>(I'll let you name this one, Rabbit) -- >>/shorts/1776 "Residead Spacevil Green Asteroid" sums this up. I liked the horror approach to it, and the story told here is a fairly interesting one. I have a hard time buying that the Watatsukis themselves would be the ones to check out the station instead of some kind of special ops team. They really shouldn't have been the
S.T.A.R.S. of this story. Also, the whole yukkuri meme was a bit much to swallow, but to your credit, you worked it in in a way that was actually relevant and had meaning within the context of the setting (It brought to mind the pad reference in ASSM: A really stupid meme that was drastically reworked and then presented in a mostly serious way).
There was still a lot that was good about this. The concept itself is good, and the way the story unfolds is also done right. Survival horror has to be done right when it's only text, and this wasn't painful at all. The narration was reasonably solid, by and large. The overall plot was a scenario I don't think most people have considered, and I really liked it. Relying on a meme when it should have been chilling made it a bit sillier, instead, and that made the story take a hit.
You definitely have good ideas, but this was a genre that doesn't take well to random wackiness at the last minute.
>Malfunctions -- >>/shorts/1777 There's an art to doing "Yukari fucks with people for the lulz" and this story did not grasp the basics of it. In your defense, it's a long-overused theme in fanworks, so doing it justice is already a difficult task. You might have been better off with a different idea, or perhaps a different approach altogether. The plot was unimaginative—it's literally a combination of two items from the Forbidden Templates—and loosely strung together. It feels like it was the plot of a Bewitched episode or something.
Worse, there were numerous points in the narration where it felt like it was waiting for a laugh track that never played. Any single moment seemed like it could just be summed up with "Oh
man, what a terrible predicament! How's Ran gonna get out of THIS sticky situation?!" and maybe a host with a mic and a bad corduroy suit from the 1970s grinning at the camera and waggling his eyebrows while Ran just suffers and suffers.
On that note: If I had to give you credit for something, it would be that in non-Chen scenes, the way Ran's narration was written was very fitting. Patient, polite, calm, and well-mannered, even despite all the shit that she's going through. Even while the plot overreacted, she didn't. All that went out the window any time Chen came up, though.
Ultimately... there were ways to play this sort of situation right, and those were not the ways you chose.
>Legend of the White Youkai -- >>/shorts/1780 Overall, an interesting idea, and a nice little twist at the end. The way it was written was good, and it painted the picture and told the story that needed telling.
It felt rushed, however, or perhaps over and done with far too quickly. I understand that due to what's being done by each party in the story, it can't be a story that lasts
too long, but even despite that, it felt a bit shorter than it could have been.
I don't know if it was exactly a good idea to add that "To be continued, maybe, please love me" part at the end, there, though. I don't know why, but that seemed maybe not very cool to do.
...Despite what I just said though, it
would be kind of interesting to see this turned into a story. The big scary softy wolf youkai, just living in the forest. It wouldn't make for a bad slice of life story, really.
---- [The Ancient and Decrepit] ----
>The Wages of Sin Are... -- >>/shorts/1743 This was a good story to begin the veteran's section with. It was written really well, and especially improvised a lot of stuff in believable ways, which is where I think it shines. I less of a problem with writefags making up details for canon if I can really be made to believe it. But then, that's what fanfiction's all about, isn't it? I was expecting some kind of interesting personal observation or minor internal revelation or feel-good scene at the end. What I got instead caught me completely by surprise, and was
way cooler than any of that would have been.
In the interests of I'm-not-sure-what, I'd like to note that I didn't realize who was telling the story (or even that the speaker was female) until it was explicitly called out. And even after that, it took me a little bit longer to realize that this was an origin story, and not some sort of strange AU setting.
Good choice of an uncommon character, better choice in going for an origin story, even
better choice in the writing and the details,
neat as hell choice in how you ended the story. Good show.
>Entry Team -- >>/shorts/1758 While not a stunning masterpiece of narrative wonderment and awe, I still had a good time reading this. It set the atmosphere well, it established a pretty solid narration, the scenes were crafted well and were clear and easy to read, and the balance of Outsider vs. 2hus in combat was not a
total curbstomp on either side. I saw the twist coming at Remilia's grin, though I wasn't expecting Alpha to know it, too.
Not every story has to be breathtaking descriptions and fiendishly brilliant plots—they just need to be compelling enough that the reader stays interested, and intriguing enough to leave a positive impression of the experience. This did both of those, and it did them well. What's more, you Tactical Actioned it up pretty thoroughly without making it feel nauseatingly tacticool, which is harder than it looks.
Additional note: If it's "BADGE Squad", then where does "
Sigma" fit into that? Also, can't believe you didn't use make the obvious Blazing Saddles reference.
>Star Vamp -- >>/shorts/1760 This got way too silly, way too quickly. It was an interesting idea, and maybe I'd gotten too into the Serious Story mindset because of the two that came before it, but It was really hard to read this one. It tried too hard to be funny; maybe too hard. Relied a little too much on derpy fanon and WACKY memes.
Crazy Captain Flan and her crazy adventures isn't a horrible idea, but it should have been done with a lot less slapstick.
>A Collection of Short Stories -- >>/shorts/1761 First off, you at least get credit for a good pun with a hot image of one of the better 2hus. Don't expect it to work next time, though.
As for the actual content of the submission, I think you would have been much, much better off if the whole thing ended after the third paragraph of part two (Alice's and Patchy). It didn't exactly turn crappy or anything, but it did just sort of begin to meander aimlessly not too long after that point.
Didn't care for the third part (Sanae and Reimu) a whole lot, for some reason. The way it started kind of turned me off, I guess, and "moping Reimu" wasn't a great idea for a scene. It sort of seemed to wander and not go anywhere really interesting, kind of like the second part.
Part four (Sanae and Remilia) was a much more interesting read. It was maybe a little bit out-there, and I think it directly contradicts canon in a few points (though I don't recall where in canon her weaknesses were discussed—obviously, some sources are more suspect than others), but it was a very cool idea, and it made good explanations from little details that a lot of people probably never thought twice about.
Part five was a whole lot of setup for a clever punchline (and an interesting way of looking at things), but... too much setup, I think, and a bit contrived.
You've got a lot of good ideas, but I think you might have been better off picking one of these and giving it better treatment. Alternately, trimming a few of these down would have helped some. Keep at it.
>Of Flower and Stone -- >>/shorts/1762 This did what A Tsukumogami's Tale did, but one or two steps better. It was much more bittersweet, but I liked the way it was told as well as the "now solve it yourself" sort of mystery. It was a canon-handicapped-accessible mystery, too: there's a clue that hints at it for those who just know faces and roles, and then a much larger clue for those who know their canon. That was a smart move, from a writing perspective.
It was relatively short, poignant, and well-written. The way the narrative doesn't have any line breaks should have been more annoying than it was. It also seemed like a clever reflection of the overall experience, too, so maybe that's why.
This was clever, touching, and sad, all at once. You did fine work, here.
>20 GOTO 10 -- >>/shorts/1763 The picture this story paints is much, much greater than the small handful of words used to tell it. I think that breaks some kind of law of Story Thermodynamics. It hurts, like a baseball bat to the gut, yet does it with so little. I'd like to have been there when you came up with the idea for this story, just to see what kind of expression you were making.
I'd also like to note that this was a ballsy idea, and it paid off big-time.
Bravo, sir. You are awful and frightening and clever.
>Fires -- >>/shorts/1768 Memoknto, or something. It didn't have to be written like this, yet the fact that it was made it that much better. The repetition of the message, and how what it meant changed a little more every time while still remaining the same, was an excellent way to tie them all together. The nature of that mechanic also really captures the essence of the relationship those two have together in a subtle way. This was very smartly written and designed, and I really liked that about it.
Some part of me wants to complain that there weren't any scenes with Kaguya victorious, but I understand that would sort of ruin the point, not to mention the narrative flow.
>Gateway Beneath the Moon -- >>/shorts/1770 At first glance, this story looks sort of confusing, and perhaps lacking in any sort of coherent point, other than being a kind of "I appreciate the thought, babe, but I like my life here" to Yukari. Maybe it's a little bittersweet. But when I hit the end, I went back and reread it—and it became something else entirely.
Yukari can't into the "retirement" mindset at all, and doesn't even consider what the impact would be on his life Outside. She just wants him along. The whole thing feels like an illustration of "maturity" as it applies to youkai, or maybe it just highlights how differently you think when you're in the game versus when you're out. Yukari's still in, she's
always been in, and for all her ancient ways, she doesn't yet have the mindset of someone who's ready to settle down and relax.
This story is some real heavy, curious shit. I liked it.
>Just Another Day In Gensokyo -- >>/shorts/1778 ...I get what you were going for here, but it could have been written a little better. Maybe not so much with the Dick Clark-style "Remember when..." or "And who could forget how..." quickly-mentioned-and-then-ignored references. I miss those stories as much as you do, and the idea behind it was good. But you should have spent a little more time and detail on them, instead of moving from one to the next.
Also, "gap-hag" is about as dumb as "Uu~ Uu~" and "Fifth-grade loli". >Old Soldiers DOT DOT DOT -- >>/shorts/1779 They just get a new Peterbilt? Sorry, wrong profession. I liked this, and liked how it was written. The panic in his mind, the sense of frantic urgency, and the language used to convey all of that were excellent. The action was intense, vivid, and powerful. It never fully left behind the rest of the story, that desperate, horrible, futile quest.
However, it felt like there was some history and implications I'd missed. Was Iwakasa was using Anastasia as a
Horcrux phylactery, or something? Why are the Lunarians trying to fuck with human politics? What's he mean by "again"? This feels like the last chapter of a larger story that I'm very curious about, now.
And if that was indeed a Sailor Nothing reference at the end, mad fucking props ---- [The Debauched and Degenerate] ----
>And Then They Fucked -- >>/at/36000 Kosuzu x Akyuu is one of those pairings that I've acquired a liking for via porn and THP (only surpassed by Kosuzu x Mamizou), so seeing it in action was very, very nice. The truly remarkable thing, however, was that all the meta-saturated dialogue going on didn't really detract from the story or the porn. It made it amusing, informative, and over all, better than it might have been otherwise.
Oh, and "unplugging the story-Schiavo", while a pretty dated reference, was nevertheless
priceless.
>The Heat's Getting To Me -- >>/at/36022 To be brutally honest, Satori isn't in my top ten. There are many more Touhous that I find more appealing, interesting, and attractive. She's often depicted as being a little bit boring or dull (albeit serious and sincere), as a person—that's why Koishi, her opposite in every way, is excitable, lively, and kind of hollow and empty.
But man, when there's porn of a boring or studious character where they cut loose, sexually? That is some of the best shit
ever, and why I really, really like Satori smut. She's one of the most perfect characters in the series for that, and this story fucking
delivers. It should also be pointed out that the use of formatting in this helped portray things very well; kudos for using that effectively. Image used really helped set the mood, too.
You deserve a gold medal and a complimentary round of hookers and bourbon for this story. There isn't nearly enough sex-hungry Satori in the world.
>Binding Rituals -- >>/at/36024 MIMA. PORN.
YES. Not only was it for a character I've long been fond of, it was
good. Clever and creative usage of abilities and unconventional anatomy/physiology is one of the more under-used elements in Touhou porn, and this story made sure to utilize
plenty of that. You should feel very good about yourself and your smuttery talents.
"That only happened a few times" made me laugh. Also, did not expect sudden incest implications at the end.
Would love to have seen more, but just Mima porn alone is enough of a gift. >Dragon Knightess -- >>/at/36040 Oh
wow, this was good. Good, solid intro, enough to set the scene and give the right vibe, even for those who don't know anything about whatever this was being crossed over with. I had the impression this was /ss/, but maybe that's just because of FoSL? Doesn't matter in any case, because Meiling porn is fine, fine stuff. Two posts long, too, which I definitely appreciated!
The one and only bad thing about this is that
"Knightess". I would have gone with "Dragon Lady" instead. It even comes with a lord/lady pun too, as a bonus! That's not enough to keep me from really enjoying this story, however. You did great work, here.
>Insert Tabs A through G into Slot B -- >>/at/36043 At long, long, last, a continuation of the Jellyfish Saga. It needed more actual sex, but I admit that it wouldn't have been half as good as it was without the lavishly detail paid to the characters and the setting-up of the scene. The jabs and the sniping back and forth between Tewi and Reisen were almost as good as the porn itself.
There's also something dark yet gratifying about seeing Reisen getting payback against a Bitchy Trickster Tewi, too. I liked that maybe more than I should have. I don't like torture or violence in my porn very much, but there's something a bit thrilling about them liking the pulling of the ears. Stop making me horrible.
>Summer Shade -- >>/at/36044 This was more of a story than it was porn. It was cute, it was descriptive, and it was naughty. It's refreshing to see Rumia acting like something other than a little girl, too. Thank you for making that call.
I know this isn't as long or as gushing as the other reviews, and I should apologize for that. In a porn-thinking mindset, and there's not a lot of porn here to think about.
It wouldn't upset me at all to see this as a regular story, however. You could do a lot with a simple tale of a boy and his
black girlfriend. ...I'm so sorry. Really though, it would be interesting to read.
