Alright, gotten around to reading and figuring out what to say about each story. I’ll be trying to focus on what I think are the most important things to highlight. While I’m trying to be constructive, I won’t sugarcoat things either. Do mind that, in the end, it’s just my opinion and don’t place any extra weight to it on account of my using of an identity.
Also, haven’t really looked at the posts here yet, mostly to keep myself unbiased, so forgive me if I repeat things others have said.
Takeo the Lucky, Written by Kosuzu Motoori for the Good Children of the Vi[llage?]
The title and the format make it clear that it’s an in-universe story. But why are we reading this story? Is it a commentary on Kosuzu’s hobbies/talent? Is it an example of the kind of story that’s popular in the village or among children? It seems odd to frame this story in such a way for no real purpose. Why is the audience treated to this children’s tale, complete with simplistic sentence structure, plot and surface-level character portrayal? All those things seem deliberate.
Even a brief bit with someone reading it or Kosuzu finishing writing it or, really,
anything might have given it much-needed context and purpose. An introduction of some sort or a postscript could have been used as a device, maybe.
Overall, I was left baffled because as there’s nothing inherently interesting about the plot, the characters, and much less the prose. So the surface-level impression of a bare-bones and barely-serviceable children’s story remains.
Gamblers Delight ~ Bright Fright
Fairly straightforward conceit of high-stakes gambling with a cute and humorous little twist at the end. I’m not sure it needed to be as long as it was, however. The whole beginning bit with the animal spirit was superfluous (could have been done, quickly and retrospectively, when Yachie shows up) and bringing in Megumu into it and the “legal” wrangling also felt unnecessary (Especially since Yachie has an ability that could have been used.) Since the important bit is the gambling, its “value” to Sannyo, and the way she confronts Yachie, I think you could have gotten away with less, ultimately inconsequential, setup.
The description of the gambling action is strong and engaging. I say that despite not “enjoying” it. It’s a personal taste thing and not a comment on the quality. Depictions of games, races, etc in books, eg
chemin de fer in
Casino Royale or Vronsky on his horse in
Anna Karenina, tend to make my eyes glaze over.
I also felt that a lot of the prose felt a little flat. There was also a bit of a jumble in sentences at times with a lot of words that didn’t really say much of consequence. A lot of it is “tell” and not “show” as well which, granted, may be a stylistic thing to an extent given that Sannyo is narrating. Here’s a few examples:
>I glance back to Kicchou, leaning over from her seat with a concerned look. She seems interested in how I could sway this guard so.
>The little thing looked nervous on her first day in the den, so I can tell now that she’s downright terrified sitting next to Kicchou. I release a puff of smoke their way and she loosens her nerves waving the cloud from her face.
>I pause, building up smoke in my lungs, waiting for the gang boss to continue. She keeps a placid smile, clearly waiting for me as well. The man grunts in affirmation and picks the girl up from her seat. >I expect her to be horrified at the possibility of punishment, but she seems more depressed. This must not be the first time for her.
Restated: instead of just being told that someone is concerned, nervous or seems a certain way, show us how they’re behaving. Their body language, mannerisms, tone of voice, and the like. Someone who is very nervous/tense might have their shoulders stiff or even tremble a little, their words clipping out or their voice small.
Just being told that this, this, and that is <adjective> or done <adverbially> tends not to be really interesting or memorable in prose. Take a look at a book you remember enjoying and I’m sure you’ll see what I mean when it comes to descriptions.
The excessively long & involves excessive world building entry
The title is on the mark.
Easy joke aside, I do have to say that I wasn’t sure what it was that I ought to take away from this story. It is competently written on a technical level and it’s easy to follow the (physical) action of fights and disturbances which is a feat not-always-easily-accomplished. Still, for whatever measure of technical accomplishment in terms of prose, it still feels like a muddled and unfocused sort of story.
Am I supposed to care about the eagles and their machinations? If so, the bevy of characters and titles, their larger irrelevance to the action and portrayal of the matriarchs makes their prominence more of a punishment to endure than a cool bits of “lore” or “world building”. Yes, great, it’s all well and “clever” to have not-Goebbels, not-cultural-revolution type rhetoric in abstract when it comes to painting dysfunction and obsession but in practice, due to the burden on the reader to digest all this new information and characters, it comes off as orthogonal to storytelling and, frankly, masturbatory.
This is a general problem with “world-building” (and, for that matter, “lore”) as it’s understood currently in much contemporary media. Story and characters take a backseat to exploring some minor detail or conceit for its own sake. It’s not that these aspects can’t be interesting, or add to the richness of a narrative, but they cannot replace the actual foundations of storytelling as they’ve existed for all of human history. On a practical level, if you must have these elements, they are better dispersed over the course of a novel than a (relatively) short story. On a more conceptual level in terms of writing, you ought to think about what the addition of these details add to the essence of the story—what thoughts and feelings will be invoked in the audience? Will it clarify or reinforce what the story is
about? Excise that which fails to have a necessary narrative purpose. In other, trite, words, “Kill your darlings.”
Whatever commentary there might be on the beast realm or human nature failed to make much of an impression on me. And by the end of it, after all that sound and fury signifying nothing, I didn’t care about the not-D&D session between the beasts. I had been worn down with excessive fluff.
Seven Flowers in Sunny September
I had fun with this story. The prose reads well and the tone is well-executed, with Yuuka’s fancy and style of whimsy coming across clearly. I enjoy the depiction Yuuka and her overwhelming youkai moe. There’s a strong sense character and tying it in with the bits of canon that we know of her. Quite a lot of enjoyable fanservice.
… But, I’ll be a bastard and say that that’s also the story biggest flaw. If you’re not already a fan, if you’re not already familiar with things, then there’s a lot of needless bloat to the story. There’s no real reason to care as a reader about Elly and her apples, that Akyuu shows up, or about Shion’s relationship to Tenshi if you’re approaching it as a work of fiction in general. None of that is set up or explained in a way that really truly justifies those particular elements (those seven flowers could have been introduced in different ways.)
I know we’re a fanfiction community and that this exhibition is overtly about fanfiction and so this type of critique is odd. But I think that too often we lean into assumptions about the audience and that can be something of a crutch when it comes to storytelling. I certainly have done in the past, and likely will continue to sometimes do so, so this comment isn’t meant as censure as such. It’s just something that I think it’s good to be aware about—whether you care about it when writing or reading fanfiction is ultimately a matter of opinion—since it does detract from the work when looked at by someone who isn’t as invested from the outset with the setting/characters as the writer.
I think that it’s important to like characters on their own merits in a work, even they are externally established. I know for a fact that some people just don’t care at all about PC-98 things or print works, so neither Elly nor Akyuu would mean much to them. Yes, these plebeians with no taste ought to be shunned. But that’s a whole different discussion. I think that it’s good as a writer to not just pander to those who have bought-in fully from the get-go.
A restructuring of a story would likely have been necessary to make it stand on its own. I’d say that maybe a greater focus on Yuuka and Tenshi interacting and a cutting of the other characters might have been an interesting approach. But that’s needless musing.
I do have a few minor quibbles such as Yuuka being openly recognized as a youkai and embracing it which, I know, is explained and resolved within the story. But it nonetheless runs a little contrary to the mentality shown by both youkai and humans in the village in the manga. Also the reasonability of the premise (and relevance) of the imposter thing.
Also, indoor wisteria? A bonsai, I suppose you could handwave it away.
… I’m going to stop myself from saying more because I did mean what I said in that first paragraph and I don’t want to come off as overly harsh or down on what was a pleasant read.
Midwinter
I wrote this. Originally it was meant to follow more the winning aspect and Sannyo herself but I had fallen behind on
Lotus Eaters and, when I caught up, I realized that perhaps it felt too close to the newer chapters. The changes in structure and focus were probably for the best.
I’m overall satisfied with how the story turned out and rereading it for this post was an enjoyable experience (not something I can say about many other things I’ve written.) That feeling of shapelessness, of being lost, of definitions having no importance, and of drifting/flowing was interesting to form and express. The important nothings detailed, with every word and sentence being strictly necessary and deliberate, were fun to string together and then to read. There’s a lot that’s oblique and a lot that’s judgmental but the sort of narrator I chose feels dead on and produces a good effect. I worried a lot that the nature of youkai and their relationship with humanity would be a little too subtle but I don’t think I would have enjoyed being more explicit about it. At least to me, the commentary is clear.
I tried something different in some places with the use of language. Yeah, word choice is very deliberate, but the alliteration that comes up isn’t just for its own sake. Likewise, many sentences have a flow that might be more obvious if read aloud. It’s nothing as explicit as with verse, but the sonorous component reinforces many of the thoughts and feelings and adds to the mood. I hoped that the type of sounds made it would come through if only on a subconscious level and perhaps stupefy or help put the reader into a similar state to the failed musician.
Not sure about some of the imagery and motifs and things of that sort. The heat/fire and cold/ice were just about too on the nose and contrived, maybe. While other things like allusions to fluids may have been too dispersed and disconnected.
I think maybe a little less description of Miyoi might have been better. As with my observation about the Yuuka story, it does feel a bit indulgent and fanservice-y. Sannyo is what’s important and everyone else is only purposefully described in the most basic of ways, and the destitute musician not at all.
I’ll have the good sense to stop talking about my own story since it’s probably not interesting to hear me gas on.
Daikoku's Injection Control Kit
I appreciate the selection of characters an the general vibe of a high-stakes match. That said, there’s too much roughness to this piece with fairly basic mistakes in grammar and syntax. Issues like subject-verb agreement and incorrect tenses for verbs abound.
This was clearly written by someone with limited experience with English. That’s okay! Even native speakers struggle with the language and a lot of the rules are difficult to internalize when compared to other languages. I’d advise that you read more books and write more as with exposure and experience you’ll become better at understanding grammar and the flow of things. Whatever other thoughts I might have of this story don’t really matter in light of these more fundamental issues.
Over The Moutain; A Rainbow
Since it’s taken me this long to write up this post, I’ll also include this last story that was submitted a few days later.
Chimata being bold is fun. Her trying to reach a “fair” deal sure sounds about right. On the other hand, it feels weird to have a western sort of dragon complete with a hoard hiding out in a cave. They’re not really depicted that way in Asian media and in Touhou they’re treated like a really big deal as well (see also:
Wild and Horned Hermit.)
Chimata isn’t a human, however. But maybe I missed if that was supposed to be a ruse or something.
I’ll repeat some of the things I said about the last story about tenses. Make sure they’re consistent. Comma/punctuation usage is also a little iffy. Also, would say that a little more description would have been welcome. There’s a bit in the beginning but there’s almost nothing about the jewel or the riches themselves which seems odd. Not to mention character actions.
Read more stuff, think about the things you enjoy—highlight paragraphs and type them out if you like. You’ll get it the more experience you have reading and writing and thinking about what you’re doing.
I think I’ve covered most things and hopefully been incisive and succinct while also giving useful feedback. I can elaborate more on things if anyone wants me to so feel free to ask away. I don’t expect it’ll take me as long to get back to you.
