Uncharted: Eastern Wonderland
Anonymous 2015/05/10 (Sun) 21:01
No. 1855
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In retrospect, I really shouldn't have expected robbing a palace in Hell to have gone smoothly.
Now, there's a lot I could say about how Sully and I flew to Japan, smuggled an open four-by-four into Gensokyo (and how we found out about that place is another thing entirely), drove underground, and broke into this 'Palace of the Earth Spirits' (a place I'd have loved to explore more but for, you know, the shooting and everything), but I'll just cut to the part where we were driving said four-by-four back out, my satchel loaded down with-
Well, let's just say it was something that'd leave us sitting pretty for a long, long time to come, yeah?
Anyway, you wouldn't think you could easily drive a car around inside a building, but whoever built the place really, and I mean really, went all-out here. I'm talking hallways you could fit a tank in with room to spare, something Sully was taking full advantage of as our ride squealed through the tiled hallways. While that crazy old son of a bitch drove, I was taking wild shots with my pistol at the people chasing us.
Now I've dealt with a lot of crazy stuff in my time, but I don't think they hold up to a woman with a giant orange rod stuck on her arm and raven wings carrying her through the air, and that's not counting the fist-sized Eye of Sauron she had on her chest, and also there was her cape with stars flowing on the inside? I was too busy being terrified of the freakin' laser beams she was shooting out of that arm-cannon to get a better look. In comparison, the little redheaded kitty-girl flying next to her and pitching fastball skulls at us just seemed tame.
"Incoming!" I yelled, ducking just as one of those flaming skulls smashed against the back of the four-by-four and exploded, face-meltingly hot blue fire rising high for a split second. "Holy crap!"
The key word was in comparison.
"Hold still!" Utsuho bellowed (the crow woman, just to be clear (and how I learned her name, as well as her friend Rin's, was another story entirely)), taking aim ahead of us. Sully jerked us aside just as a ray of solar death raked across the floor, painting the ground for a series of explosions to follow; they rang out through the air, golden domes springing upwards from nothing, their blast force lifting the four-by-four onto two wheels for a horrific moment.
"Jesus H. Christ!" Sully said, his baritone rattling as we crashed back down. "Get them off us, Nate!"
"I'm trying!" I said, but getting a bead on the two flying women was almost impossible with the way they bobbed and weaved. I cracked off a few rounds anyway, but they just kept flitting between shots like mutant, bullet-dodging ballet dancers.
"Coming through!" Sully yelled, and a glance back revealed a bunch of zombie fairy maids (really?) diving out of our way and screaming like little girls, which fits because they were.
Seriously. Zombie fairy maids.
Freaking Gensokyo, man.
I returned to taking shots at the women chasing us when Sully pulled a hard left around a corner, jerking me to the right and leaving me without targets.
"Sully," I said, keeping overwatch, "you do remember where the exit is, right?"
"I'm looking at it!" he said. "Now hold on!"
I spared a look over my shoulder to see us flying towards a stained-glass window wide as the hallway.
I screamed a panicked "Oh craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!" as we crashed through it, scattering glass as we sailed outside, a good story of empty air below us. For a long, long second, I was breathless at the sight of the city below sparkling in the dark, and not just because I was still screaming. Then our ride crashed hard onto the cobblestone path winding down from the front of the palace, scattering stone as it bounced up and landed again, and I thought, however irrationally, that my white-knuckle grip on the car's overhead bar would snap it off. Tires screeched for purchase and found it, and we tore down the road towards the city.
"Yeah!" I shouted in exhilaratingly terrified triumph, waving goodbye at the mansion with the wrecked front door (that happened we drove in). "Suck it!"
Our pursuers, of course, just flew out of the window a moment later, but we still had enough of a lead that they couldn't easily catch up. Rin tore ahead of her buddy, flinging more of those skull-bombs our way, which left me wondering for a brief moment just where she was pulling them from; that was a luxury I didn't have time for, so I took aim, stead as I could manage with us bouncing along at fifty miles an hour, and started cracking shots off. I didn't score any hits, but I like to think that she slowed down a little.
We sped out the estate gate (that we'd knocked off the hinges on our way in (I think you've realized by this point we hadn't exactly been subtle)), and straight into the Underground City, which is named as such from either a refreshingly straightforward outlook on life or sheer laziness, your pick. Still, even with the dirt streets being wide enough to fit three cars in, and even with everyone scrambling for cover, Sully had to slow down to avoid plowing anyone over with two tons of roaring metal.
I think it was more for our benefit than theirs; I mean, have you seen those oni? I'm pretty sure a single collision would have killed us, not them.
Sully took a few turns, expertly weaving around the pedestrians, until we were deeper in the city, stone buildings looming in every direction. About a minute went by like this, me keeping an eye out behind us, before he raised his voice. "How we doing back there?" he asked, steering around a conga-line of drunks.
"Don't quote me on this," I said, "but I think we lost them."
Rin leapt into view above us, pitching a pair of skulls at us as she sailed across a gap between buildings, and just as swiftly vanished from sight.
"Oh, crap!" I said, and then the skulls hit the side of our jeep in rapid succession, the first rocking us onto two wheels, and the second hitting the underside with enough 'oomph' to knock the car on its side.
"God damn it!" Sully cried as we skidded along and bled speed, metal screaming as the four-by-four kicked up torrents of dirt. I pressed my feet against the floor hard as I could and clung to the overhead bar, barely holding myself in place until, just a few incredibly long seconds later, the car finally came to a stop.
I swung my legs down until my feet were against the bottom door, let go of the bar, and sidled out of our overturned ride with all the casual ease of a guy who's been in more flipped cars than is really healthy. Sully fell out a moment later, landing on his hands and knees and muttering a brief curse under his breath.
"Sully, you okay?" I said, offering him my free hand as I scanned the rooftops for any follow-up attack. He took it, and I hauled him up.
"Thank God for seatbelts," he said, looking around at the rapidly-forming crowd of curious oni. "We should get going before-"
A blur of movement above us.
There.
My pistol barked as I repeatedly pulled the trigger, catching a pouncing Rin full on the chest with a salvo of 9mm fire. I ducked, and she sailed just over my head to land with a loud thud behind me. I spun around and trained my gun on her limp body, because if my trip through Shambhala taught me anything, it was that you couldn't drop something superhuman with half a pistol mag.
"Oooooooow," Rin groaned, rolling onto her back to glare blearily at us. "You outsiders and your frickin' guns, man."
"Goddamn," Sully said, rubbing the back of his head. "You're something else, little lady."
She winced, hugging herself as dark red spread across the front of her green dress. "It's gonna take forever to wash this blood out, you know that? I hope you're happy."
"That- that's really what you're concerned about here?" I said, lowering my gun in amazement. "Sure, you're a-- and I still can't believe I'm saying this-- youkai, but damn."
"Yeah, this is fascinating and all," Sully said, exasperation mounting in his tone, "but I think we should get going, don't you?"
"Probably a good idea," Rin wheezed, a sickly grin on her lips. "Because I'm so totally gonna waste your ass when I get back up."
"Wow, you just destroyed any sympathy I had," I said.
"Uh, Nate?" Sully said, pointing towards my right, and the urgency in his tone caused me to tense. "We need to move now."
A look at what Sully was so worried about revealed Utsuho rocketing our way, propelling herself to insane speed by blasting that solar laser behind her without care for the (no doubt massive) property damage she was racking up along the way.
I really only had one response to that. "Oh boy."
"Run!" Sully said, and he quickly followed his own advice by charging towards the open door of the closest building. I gave chase a second later, reloading as I ran; the bystanders didn't seem particularly bothered with how I just blasted Rin, so we quickly cleared the crowd and barrelled into the safety that four solid stone walls could offer.
Sully slammed the wooden door shut the moment I was through, and we kept hauling ass through the occupied, smoky bar, very carefully moving around circular tables filled with patrons that would probably smash us into paste if we shoved them. The big, suited bouncer near the door, horns jutting from his forehead and all, thanfully didn't make any move to stop us, because I don't think we could have taken him. We made it about halfway through the room when there was the noise of wood splintering behind us, and I spun around, gun raised, to find the door flying off its hinges.
"Sons of bitches!" Utsuho screeched. When she stomped inside, cannon raised, was when the bouncer evidently decided she was a problem. She confirmed that when she lashed the rod into his face hard enough to flip him head-over-Oxfords, which was everyone else's cue to clear out of her way. By the time Utsuho swung back to us, Sully had already cleared the doorless entryway to the kitchen, and I was on his heels. I dove through, which was probably unnecessary but sure felt better than giving the crazy woman a clear shot, and scrambled around the doorway on my hands and knees.
The cook, a towering fella in cliché chef uniform, paused in his work at the other side of the room to stare over his shoulder at us, cleaver raised above some unidentifiable piece of meat. "You two ain't supposed to be here, you know?"
"Don't mind us, pal," I said, taking Sully's hand and climbing to my feet.
"Yeah, we'll be out in just a second," Sully said, and drew that massive revolver he loves from its holster. I, meanwhile, grabbed a hanging frying pan off the wall, holstered my pistol, and pressed my back against the wall next to the doorway.
Utsuho chose right then to burst through, wild-eyed, teeth bared, and ready to kill.
"Jesus, take the hint!" I said, and then I smacked her across the face. Unlike most people I've brained with a blunt object, she spun around and came right back at me, rod outstretched, and the next thing I knew, I was on the floor, everything dull and fuzzy except my head, which was throbbing like a son of a bitch.
"That's what you get!" she cried triumphantly, raising her concrete leg to stomp my brains out.
A deafening thunderclap cracked through the air, and Utsuho jerked backwards, shocked eyes stretched open, pupils shrunk into pinpricks. Another thunderclap echoed across the room, then again, and again and again and again, every one knocking Utsuho back another step, until the final one slammed her against the wall. I stared dumbly at her as Sully lowered his smoking revolver, his face set grim. Utsuho stood on trembling legs, blood blossoming across her white shirt from six separate holes, for one second, two, three, before the eye on her chest pulsed. She growled, face drawn tight as she hunched over, planting the rod against the floor to brace herself, and golden energy started radiating outwards across the floor from the barrel.
"Oh, that's not good," Sully said, grabbing my hand and hauling me up.
"Go!" I said, stumbling along with Sully supporting me, my head still not fully cleared up from that smack with the rod. The cook had, thinking wisely, run away, leaving the back door to an alleyway hanging open. We'd just gotten out when an eardrum-destroying scream rang out from behind us.
And then the building exploded.
"Goddamn it!" Sully yelled as I pulled loose, and he launched ahead like he didn't have twenty-five years on me. Chunks of rubble large and small flew past us as I booked it after him, hunched over and holding my hands over my head as I ran, for what little good it might do me. He tore around the corner, and I'd just followed suit when a rock big as I was sailed through the alley, bouncing across the ground and leaving me with a grim reminder of how close I came to becoming a stain. We hunkered down in relative safety, waiting for the sounds of rock smashing against rock to die down.
It lasted only maybe ten seconds, but by God were they long ones. Sully doubled over, hands on his knees and panting for breath, and I chanced a peek around the corner. The bar, of course, was nothing but rubble, dust coasting through the air, but everything was otherwise still until stone started to shift. My suspicions were confirmed when an orange cannon was thrust upwards from the wreckage.
"Oh crap," I whispered, unable to tear myself away from the sight.
"She's still kicking?" Sully asked, resigned.
Utsuho sat up, coated in dust and dirt, wreathed in a golden glow. I ducked back and looked at Sully, deadly serious. "Run."
"Don't need to tell me twice!" he said, jogging down the alley. I followed, drawing my pistol free; I wasn't sure how much good it would do against someone who could eat magnum bullets and just come back stronger, but it made me feel better.
We quickly emerged onto a street crowded with people, all sorts of oni making their way to the bar to see what just blew it up. They didn't pay us much attention as we slipped into their midst, surprisingly, even though we weren't NBA-sized like they were. Not that blending in mattered much when Utsuho just flew overhead, wings beating heavily to keep her aloft. Her shirt was entirely red by this point, but the blood-loss was apparently no obstacle.
"You!" she bellowed, singling us out with her cannon; the crowd around us swept away in recognition of this suddenly becoming a bad place to be. "One more step and I'll-"
I shot her.
What can I say? I was taking the direct approach.
She jerked back as the bullet landed, but the-- aura, I suppose you'd call it, around her just flared brighter. Even from here, the rage on her face was just plain scary. She hunched down on herself, the radiance grown blinding, and a golden sphere erupted from her chest, engulfing her entirely. The globe swelled and swelled, blindingly bright, and all that could be seen of the woman inside was a pitch-black silhouette.
"She's making a sun!" Sully all but screamed, the realization sinking in for everyone around. "She's making a sun!"
"God!" I said, taking a step back on pure instinct as the crowd went insane, oni fleeing on foot and taking to the skies. "We- we need to get to the car!"
"The car?" Sully asked, shooting me an incredulous look.
"We can't outrun that thing!"
"Good point!"
We turned around as one and ran, trying our best to avoid being trampled by the crowd; I'd never been so thankful that people here could fly, since it took the streets from deadly to merely dangerous. The shadows cast by the artificial star growing behind us were stark, jagged black, giving the scene a nightmarish edge as we fled.
Turns out you can clear a lot of ground at a full sprint, as Sully and I found ourselves back at the scene of our crash, the jeep still resting on its side and Rin curled up nearby on the ground. Ignoring her, Sully took to the hood while I headed for the rear, and we slipped our hands under the car, dug our heels in, and started lifting as hard as our adrenaline-soaked bodies could manage. As it stood, however, two men weren't exactly enough against two tons of metal, which wasn't the greatest thing to discover in the heat of the moment.
"Lift, god damn it!" Sully wheezed, but even with his ox's strength and my youthful vitality, we'd only managed to raise the jeep a few inches; at this rate, we'd be better off taking our chances on foot.
So imagine our surprise when Rin lurched between us and, on shaky legs, pressed her back against the car, grimacing as she dug her heels into the dirt and pushed.
"What the hell?" I said, looking askance at her even as I kept straining against the car.
"Can't fly," she gasped, eyes bulging, "and Okuu'll blow me up too, so shaddup and lift!"
I don't know how Rin packed so much strength into such a little body, but she pushed and we lifted and somehow, some way, the jeep rose onto two wheels, and with one last mighty heave of effort, we shoved it upright. It was scarred and dented from the crash, but I'd have taken a truck on fire at this point.
"Get in!" Sully said, hopping into the driver's seat and buckling himself in. I breathlessly vaulted onto the back seat, but when I turned around Rin was sagging against the door, too out-of-sorts to do anything else. While she might have been trying to kill us a few minutes ago, I couldn't leave her after what she just did, so I reached over and bodily hauled the exhausted, bloody catgirl into the jeep (and there's a sentence I bet you'd never thought you'd see).
Above us, Utsuho's sun flared and burned, nearby buildings crumbling apart and flying into the newborn star. Everything it ate only made it grow larger, the sun building-sized and growing at an exponential rate, and with it its pull. If we stuck around much longer-
My feet left the ground, and not because I jumped. A panicked grab at the overhead bar, alongside hooking my feet underneath my seat, kept me from leaving the jeep, if only just. Rin yelped as she started to drift upwards, but she braced her feet against the car door and clung to a seatbelt with grim determination.
"Jesus!" I manfully yelled, because saying I shrieked in terror would be a complete lie. "Sully, for God's sake, go!"
"I'm trying!" Sully snapped back, repeatedly turning the key in the ignition only to get choking rattles from the engine. "The crash screwed up everything! It won't start!"
As if things weren't bad enough, the four-by-four started rolling back towards the two-story star.
Joy.
"Sully!" I said in panic, gritting my teeth as I resisted gravity's pull with all my might.
"I know, goddammit!" Sully swore, still desperately trying the key.
"Nnngh!" Rin grunted, her legs slipping from the door to float upwards.
In that moment, sweat dripping up my face and soaking into my hair, I chuckled quietly in pure, unrelenting horror, because this had to be it.
It wasn't the mercenaries that were going to kill me. Wasn't the pirates, either. It wasn't even the zombies or the yetis.
No.
I was going to die from being sucked into a sun.
"This'll make for one helluva tombstone," I said below my breath, full of manic, brittle cheer.
Just as I said that, the engine roared, and Victor Goddamn Sullivan whooped as we sped forward, wheels squealing. We cleared a dozen feet, then two, before the star's pull on us faded; I relaxed my grip on the bar as my feet dropped to the floor, and I winced as Rin's legs came back down hard on the door, her strangled cry clearly showing her opinion about that.
Yet, even as we sped away, the sun had doubled in size yet again, sucking up buildings and people to feed its terrible hunger. We moved as fast as the jeep could take us, tearing down the straightaway at upwards of a hundred miles an hour, just barely staying ahead of the star's pull. The sounds of stone breaking apart and people screaming were almost deafening behind us.
"Why does every ancient city we visit blow up?" Sully yelled, taking a corner so hard we briefly tipped on two wheels.
"Just keep going!" I said, hope daring to reign supreme as the edges of the city appeared ahead of us.
We cleared the last of the buildings, breaking out into the open, rocky wilderness, and Sully drove for the bridge ahead like all the forces of Hell were after us; in a sense, I suppose they were. The smooth ride suddenly became very rough, not helped by our speed. Rin was curled up into a ball, face buried against the seat when she wasn't bouncing up with each bump we hit, white knuckles gripping seatbelts just for the sake of something to hold onto. I couldn't fault her for her reaction, since I was only holding up better by virtue of actually having ridden in a car before this whole mess.
The jeep's suspension rattled as we sped across the stone bridge, and it was only because I had eyes on the city that I saw when the sun, now the size of several city blocks, contracted.
For a brief, horrible moment, it was still, before it erupted outwards, a supernova in miniature.
"Hang on!" I yelled as the blast wave hurtled through the city, blowing buildings apart, faster than we could ever hope to be. Sully eked out any last bits of extra speed he could, buying us a few extra seconds, but the wave raced out of the city.
I breathed out.
Breathed in.
The wave blew across the bridge, the structure somehow holding.
And then it hit us.
The back end lifted up off the ground, flipping us upwards a dozen feet to fly like a leaf in a strong breeze. As we tumbled, I was being flailed around like a doll with Velcro hands, my grip on the bar the only thing preventing me from just flying straight out of the car and breaking my neck. Rin was even worse off, clinging to those seatbelts like they were her children, and I had a brief spark of envy for Sully, the only one of us smart enough to buckle in. Everybody was screaming at this point, myself included, but I dare you to keep your cool when you're in a jeep that's pirouetting through the skies and your only hope to survive is by clinging to a steel pole.
It felt like we were up there for years before we crashed back down, by some miracle landing on our wheels, but any joy I felt as we bounced along was destroyed after a very quick, very painful lesson in gravity.
Turns out, when you're poised over a metal bar, you hit your face on it when you come back down.
God, that hurt.
I hit the floorboard in a senseless heap, so I couldn't tell you exactly when we rumbled to a stop, but we did. I was just happy to lay there and breathe, my ears ringing and my face throbbing and I was pretty sure my nose was broken, but I was alive, and just knowing that made me... I hesitate to say grateful for the pain, but it was the closest emotion that fit.
I was happy to just stay down until we eventually stopped moving, even if I couldn't say exactly how long that took. When it did, though, I pushed myself to my hands and knees,crazed little giggles threatening to overwhelm me. "Hoo, boy. Sully, you all right?"
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph," Sully said, his voice shaking.
"Cool, you are," I said, using the seat to pull myself upright. "How 'bout you, kitty?"
I don't know exactly what Rin sobbed out, but it sounded vaguely like "Ieeuhuwandaiee," whatever that meant.
I patted her on the shoulder. "Okay, you can still make words, that's good."
Now that I knew everyone was varying degrees of all right, I looked towards the city, although that was a bit of a misnomer for the crater in its place. Christ Almighty, there was nothing left standing except the Palace, and even that looked like it'd fall over if you breathed on it.
"Holy shit," I said, nausea roiling in my gut at the sight; it's one thing to have an ancient city crumble to bits around me, but it's another for it to still be populated when it blew up.
And it wouldn't have happened if we didn't come here.
Oh, Christ, this was our fault.
"Hey," I said numbly, pulling Rin up despite her weak protests. "What- what was the death toll there, d'you think?" I asked, pointing towards the crater. Depending on her answer, I was tempted to shoot myself.
Rin blinked the tears out of her eyes and looked, and her jaw dropped. "Wow! She, uh, she blew up everything!"
"Yeah, we noticed," Sully said, resting his head against the steering wheel.
"Hey," I said, elbowing the girl in her side. "Hey, seriously, how many people just died because of this?"
Rin winced. "Right, um, well, given magic and oni and all that, I'd have to say zero. Hopefully."
I blinked. "No way."
"You're shittin' us," Sully added, looking over his shoulder.
"Nope!" Rin said, her smile tiny but sincere. "That's magic for you, I guess."
I squinted at the crater, and, to my amazement, I could spy tiny figures moving around inside. Just a few at the moment, but more and more started to crop up as time passed.
"Holy shit," I said, almost unable to believe it. "Holy shit."
"Yeah, uh, the city kinda gets wrecked on the regular," Rin said, awkwardly rubbing the back of her neck. "Never quite like this, though."
"You're serious?" Sully asked, waving a hand vaguely through the air. "You- your entire city just gets destroyed? Often? How the hell do you rebuild it?"
"The oni are really industrious," Rin said. "Give 'em a week, and this'll be mostly fixed."
"Well, uh," I started, searching for something else to grill her on, and failing. "I can't say I'm opposed to everybody living."
"All the same," Sully said, "I think we should get going. I'd really rather not explain why we're here to someone twice my size."
"Sounds good to me," said Rin, laying back down.
"Whoa!" said Sully, glaring back at her. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, no, you're getting out!"
"Whaaaaat?" she whined, cracking an eye open and pouting at him. "Why?"
"Hey!" I said, giving her a stern frown of my own. "You did try to kill us, and if you hadn't knocked our jeep over we probably would have made it out of the city without everything exploding."
She rolled over, raised a shaky finger and jabbed it at me. "I also helped lift this thing up, you know? If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have made it out in the first place. And this was after you shot me, remember? With real bullets?"
"...Lady has a point, Sully," I said, frowning for a different reason entirely as I looked her over. "Christ, but how much blood do you have?"
"I'm tougher than I look, Mister," she said with a wink and a smile, something that contrasted sharply with how the entire front of her dress was soaked raspberry red.
"Still doesn't answer why we should let you come along," said Sully, and I couldn't blame him for not wanting to let it go.
Rin propped herself up on her elbows. "Okay, look, if I go back there right now Lady Satori is probably going to murder me, even though this is technically you guys' fault."
"Our fault?" Sully exclaimed in righteous outrage. "Your crazy friend's the one who decided to pop a sun in the middle of the goddamn city!"
"What happened to her, anyway?" I asked. "Like, this is a running thing with her?"
"She's probably sleeping the explosion off," said Rin, waving our concerns away. "Anyway, all I'm asking is that you guys maybe just give me a ride topside so I can lay low for a bit, and also deal with these bullets that someone"-she glared pointedly at me for a moment-"filled me with. I'll even let you keep the stuff you stole, all right?"
I shared a glance with Sully, and shrugged. "Well, when she puts it like that, I don't think it'd hurt to let her tag along."
Sully coughed in disgust, turning back to the wheel. "Just so long as she cleans the blood off the seats when she's done."
I couldn't help but grin at that. "Still worried about that deposit, Sully?"
"It's worth trying to salvage!"
"Blech, you two are too loud," Rin groaned, curling back up.
So, with a catgirl dozing in the back seat, Sully driving us to beautiful daylight, and me with a throbbing blunt-trauma headache, that's how we robbed the daylights out of an underground palace and survived yet another city being destroyed around us in the process.
Ah, good times, good times.