(8-12-2003)

Welcome to True Bunbun Radio.

TRUE ~ BUNBUN ~ RADIO

(The badass of journalism)
GIVE HER JOURNALISM OR GIVE HER DEATH

"That's it. Bun."

Broadcasting live from her beautiful skyline office in the tengu village.

"You sound battier than the Scarlet Mansion's vampires for Christ's sake."

And now, she'll take it from here. Your host - the traditional reporter of reporters - no need to crya, for here comes -"

AYA.

"Hello everyone, and welcome to True Bunbun Radio. There's no need to crya, for here is Aya. Now, I want to thank everyone for listening to what is the first episode of the True Bunbun Radio. Radio hasn't really been marketed that much here in Gensokyo, but that doesn't matter to me, not in the slightest. I intend to remain fully on top of all mediums. Besides, I need something to entertain myself and my adoring audience while the ink dries from the printing presses.

"Maybe you're wondering just how this radio set-up came to be, and I'm glad you asked. At least I presume you asked, because why wouldn't you? That's the natural flow of a conversation, you ask and the other person answers. And when they leave something hanging, you ask questions about it. Do you know how many young people these days don't bother doing that? So many, it's actually wild. They'll just focus their conversations on "me, me, listen to meeee!" and then act shocked when no one wants to talk about them. They're unable to frame anything outside of themselves, they have no personality, nothing but self-centered egoism. It's actually wild, try it yourself, right now. Go find a young person, have a conversation with them, and watch how fast they'll turn it to be about themselves. Do it right now and come back to me. Us tengu, we're experts in picking out when someone is arrogant and needing to be put in their place. We can realize just exactly when these pricks make themselves known and need to be taken down a peg.

"Anyways, I've gotten off topic here, sorry about that folks. Let's get back on topic, how did this humble tengu get herself a radio system? Well, I'll tell you, I contracted the kappa a while back for some new printing presses. My old system has been getting, well, old, and I was looking for something that could handle the amount of output I need for my readers. Prints fast and in large quantities, you know? So I go up to the kappa and I ask her 'hey, what can you do for me?' and the little turtle shows me her various inventions, and all that yada yada you don't care about the printing presses, I'm sure. But you should, they're actually very interesting, very incredible machines. They allowed for human civilization to reach what it's reached now, it's very interesting stuff, go read about it at your local libraries, but anyways. I see this one bundle of wires they got in the corner, and I ask her 'hey, what's this junk'? And she goes to say 'oh, it's not junk, it's actually this system called HAM', and I just look at her with a thousand-yard stare. 'Ham? What is this bitch talking about, is she crazy? Does she not know what meat is anymore? I mean I know the kappa in particular are very domesticated youkai but how have they forgotten what proper long-pork is supposed to be like already?

"Well, she says that it's actually some outside world mumbo-jumbo technology that lets people talk over a distance and broadcast their voice to thousands. I was shocked, impressed, and I had them set me up a broadcaster system. Which, if you are one of the many who have received a kappa radio system, you are listening in to RIGHT NOW, hahaha! You should also be able to call in on the show, send in messages, and you can even write your name in that field up at the top if you want a name shout-out. This is the power of technology folks, this is the information age we're living in right now, and it is beautiful folks, I'm telling you.

"Now then, for today's show, first I'd like to talk about the recent stirrings over at the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's right folks, I wrote about those foreigners before in my paper, and look at what has happened. It seems that our lovely mistress, Remilia Scarlet, has been causing some stir YET AGAIN. We all know just how era-defining her last rampage was, and it seems that she is intent on doing this again. If you're unaware of what I'm talking about, a while back ago Miss Remilia Scarlet, vampire from European lands, went on a massive rampage, which devastated our Gensokyo greatly. This act would lead to the current establishment of our danmaku and spellcard system which we are currently using to this very day. The initial terms of the contract which was used to end the vampire's rampage were absolutely devastating to us youkai, and I said that way back when, didn't I? I warned all of you that this was going to be a ploy used by the shrine maiden to hold all good youkai like us back. I WARNED YOU. And did anyone listen? No, not in the slightest. And now, after the shrine maiden gives us 'some' rights and allowances for fighting back, we have to be thankful to her? We need to just accept it for what it is? This is the classic boiling frog folks, the establishment takes a ton from you, and then gives you a few scraps back, and domesticated dogs will cheer for it, completely ignoring the fact that they still have lost more than what they had before. I warned you all about it, but not a single youkai was listening to me. Well that's what happens when youkai get too comfortable with the status quo, and forget what it means to be a proper youkai.

"But that's all old news, THAT'S ALL OLD NEWS FOLKS, because the Scarlet Devil Mansion is back again, and this time what are they doing? Well look out your window right now. Go do it, quick five seconds. What do you see out there? Nothing but red fog and mist? That's their grand plan in action. Now, we don't really know the exact details of what this mist is actually intended to do. It does blot out the sun quite a fair bit, so the obvious answer is that this could be something to allow for the vampires to roam day and night. Now, this creates an oddity for me, like do vampires really need to sleep? And if not, what do they really expect to do in the day they couldn't at night? Go shopping in the human town? Enjoy a sunset-oh wait, that's right, can't do that with all the mist around. So what exactly is their end goal here? It's a waste if it were just to roam during the day, all they'd be doing is making themselves normal. And don't give me any crap on 'oh but that's what they want, they actually just want to be normal', 'cause I ain't falling for it and neither should you. These vampires, they're egotistical, they're narcissists, remember what I said earlier about how young people can't talk for five seconds without talking about themselves? THAT'S THEM.

"So, if you want some of my speculation as to why these vampires are doing this? I believe there is something in the mist itself. What exactly is it? I wouldn't know, I'm not a mist-reader here. What I do know is that I've seen many stories in the outside world about how there's mists that are so deadly they'll cause you to choke your insides out. They spew them from giant metal snails, if the pictures I have are anything to go by. Giant metal snails, it sounds wild but I can show you pictures. Pick up the next issues of the Bunbunmaru later today and on page... What page is it on Momiji?"

"Arf Arf"

"Page 14, thank you. Page 14 there's a picture of these giant metal snails. They spew out mist from long mouths which is deadly, yet humans still go into them anyways. I kind of wonder if it's like hookah smoke or something. In fact, it might be more likely the snail mist is a smoke of some sort, I'll have to look into that. Anyways, what does this mist that we're dealing with now do? Well we have many theories that they could be using it for, from mind control to aphrodisiac, to Lord knows what else. For me, I'm leaning to mind control slave. But I want to hear from you folks.

"So, we're going to take some callers, just call in the number listed below, and tell me what you think of the current incident ongoing, what do you think of the vampires, the mist, and what do you think the purpose of the mist is. Also, if you want a name shout-out, make sure you include your name in the name field. I'm looking forward to hearing from you, what do our first callers have to say about this incident?"